Sex advice you should ignore
LAST week the Internet exploded with reports
that the book 50 Shades of Grey had been
blamed for an increase in sex-related
accident calls to the London Fire Brigade. The
Daily Mail and others reported that thanks to
the popularity of the erotic novel, the London
Fire Brigade had been increasingly called to
free persons from awkward positions
including being handcuffed to their beds.
The brigade said it had responded to 79 such
incidents — and nine instances of men with
rings stuck onto their penises.The very popular sadomasochistic trilogy
details the love story of a college graduate
and a billionaire. It has sold more than 32
million copies in the United States alone,
since 2011.
The book's steamy sex scenes have been
credited for an increase in the sale of sex
toys and in more couples exploring things like
bondage. But as evidenced by the accidents,
sometimes experimenting is best done in
small doses, and not all sex advice is good
advice.
Below we list some other no-nos when it
comes to getting down and dirty.
1. Don't use food. Using food in the
bedroom may seem like a good idea at first,
especially if you follow popular media where
whipped cream and strawberries and grapes
and champagne are requirements for a
steamy session. But bear in mind that
anything inserted into the body may be
difficult to fish out, or could lead to nasty
infections.
2. Using ice on him. None of the seven men
we interviewed thought ice was particularly
pleasing, in fact one described it as pure
torture, especially if she uses it on his nether
regions.
3. Cover your body in syrup. Lovemaking is
sweet, but covering your body in syrup with
the expectation of having your man lick every
drop may sound sexy, but really isn't. Unless
you plan to give him diabetes and have your
room swarming with ants and roaches, we
suggest you never try this. You can maybe try
a little sweet stuff on specific areas, but too
much may make him hurl.
4. Biting. Nips and nibbles are par for the
course in romance novels and porn movies,
but for many men, and women, biting is off
limits. The wrong kind of nibble can turn into
a full-on rabies scare, and many tales have
been told of persons who have sought to do
love bites, only to have their partners
squealing in pain.
5. Bumping, grinding, daggering. It might
have been immortalised in song, but any
move that involves launching yourself onto
your partner, or playing excessively hard and
rough, is a no-no. Do not throw yourself from
any piece of furniture onto your partner. Do
not treat him like a pony. Any acrobatics that
involve being airborne should be taboo in the
bedroom, as it can only result in pain, or a
visit to the ER.
6 . Pulling hair. First of all, this is painful.
Second of all, you can never be sure that
your partner is OK with hair pulling,
especially if she bought her locks. Don't go
doing this to anyone. If you want to pull
something, use a scarf and your imagination.
7. Heels on. Stilettos are dangerous, despite
what Lady Saw says. "If she comes to me in
heels, all I'd be worried about is her poking
my eyes out when I'm trying certain moves
on her," John Marc, a banker said. Not only is
there risk of injury, but heels are just
impractical when it comes to balance, plus
they may tear your 100 per cent Egyptian
cotton sheets.
