Where does the sun go? Ukip candidates' science questions predicted
The Grimsby UKIP candidate Victoria
Ayling recently asked the following
question at a public debate: what happens
when renewable energy runs out? This
resulted in much amusement and mockery,
suggesting that Ayling isn’t familiar with
the properties of renewable energy. Or a
dictionary.
But is this fair? Has Ayling been
prematurely ridiculed? After all,
technically renewable energy can run out.
Energy can’t be created or destroyed, only
changed. This is apparently a fundamental
law of the universe, so there’s only a finite
amount of energy in the universe, so every
energy source will be used up eventually
(unless you factor in dark energy, but let’s
avoid that for now as this is a piece
inspired by UKIP and they don’t seem to
like anything that’s “darker”). So Ayling
was right to say our sources of renewable
energy, like the sun and wind, will run out
one day. It’ll be about 7 billion years from
now, but it’ll still happen, and who’s to say
UKIP won’t be in power at that point? That
might be just enough time for them to
figure out how to get through an election
campaign without saying something
ridiculous/offensive/archaic in public.
But scientists shouldn’t just dismiss
questions from UKIP. UKIP have provided
some potentially-ground-breaking
scientific discoveries. So with this in mind,
here are some predictions for further
science questions from UKIP, to give
scientists time to work up an acceptable
response.
Where does the sun go
when it’s night time?
British people love a bit of sunshine,
unless there’s too much of it. But sunshine
is classically British. As is wind. And rain.
And snow. And sleet. Basically, we deserve
all weathers at all times, whenever we
want them. But for several hours every
day, the sun is just gone. What’s that
about? Sometimes it’s gone for longer than
others but it’s always gone for several
hours. Good honest hard working British
folk pay their taxes to keep the sun in the
sky and yet it keeps wandering off.
This is no doubt due to greedy meddling
Eurocrats taking a slice of the sunshine. It’s
gotten so bad that the British have to cut
corners with “ daylight savings time”. Is
this what Queen Victoria died for? The sun
never set on the British Empire! But now we
have to put up with long periods of
darkness? We didn’t win two World Wars
for that! The sun keeps wandering off, and
our scientists should work out how to fix it
in place, or other countries could start
using it for free! And that would be
unacceptable.
How do we stop immigrants
from using all our gravity?
We all know that the UK is overrun with
immigrants. We’re literally full. Seriously,
in some parts of Britain you can’t even get
out of your door because immigrants are
piled up outside it, stacked up like
wrongly-coloured snow. There are millions
more immigrants coming for our jobs and
women and to eat our pets probably. But
Britain doesn’t have enough resources to
sustain its own people, let alone all these
intruders. So what happens when these
immigrants finally use up the last of our
gravity?
Putting such a dense mass of people in one
place is sure to use up gravity, right? It
stands to reason. So what are we going to
do about this? Can these so-called
renewable energies be used to increase the
British Gravity output? They’ll only do this
with foreign labour if so, making the
problem worse. Or do we have to start
importing gravity, sending yet more
British money overseas?
Scientists should find a solution soon,
before the gravity is all gone and we float
off, ending up in the freezing vacuum of
deep space. Or even worse, France!
If global warming is real,
why am I still cold?
So-called scientists keep going on about
climate change and global warming like
it’s a real thing. But if the planet is
supposedly getting hotter, why is it still
cold outside? I went outside just an hour
ago and I head to wear a coat! And last
week I had to use an umbrella because it
was raining, and the rain was very cold!
You’d think it would be nice and warm out
if so-called global warming was real, but
you should see my latest heating bill. I’m
still having to boil water when I want a
proper cup of tea or to thoroughly wash my
hands when I accidentally touch the Polish
person I’ve hired to install my bathroom (I
wouldn’t normally allow one in the house
but he’s cheap and I don’t see why I should
have to pay more than I have to).
Some scientists will try to tell you “global”
includes the rest of the world, showing
what Euro-loving traitors they are, or that
climate and weather aren’t the same thing,
which is nonsense. British weather never
changes, it’s always unpredictable. Sure
there have been some nasty bouts in recent
years, but we all know that’s because of
gay marriage.
So if the planet is hotter, why is it still cold
where I live? Scientists can’t answer that.
It’s like that time a doctor kept telling me
my leg was broken even though I could
move my arm fine. Idiots! Speaking of
which…
Why do medicines work on
people who don’t deserve
it?
Why is medicine so wasteful? Antibiotics
work on anyone, whether they’ve
contributed anything to the UK or not?
Same goes for surgery or painkillers. It’s no
wonder the NHS waiting times are so long
when just anyone can go in and get a
treatment that works. Of course they’ll
keep coming back, so scientists should
address this situation by refining
treatments so they only work on the
deserving. People who work for a living in
the country where they were born, they
should get working medicine, whereas
those who contribute nothing and only
sponge off us.
Obviously the hard working indigenous
people must have different biology to the
lesser sorts, otherwise treating people of
different races and backgrounds as inferior
would be a ridiculous way to behave. If I
get into a bit of a scrape with some bloke
because I don’t like his face, I shouldn’t
have to wait for hours in A&E because
some pneumonia ridden old biddy or sick
foreign child “take priority”. If injuries are
self-inflicted because the individual
stupidly chooses to be poor/foreign/gay/
overweight/someone who doesn’t comply
with my prejudices, science should take
this into account.
